Coming Out To Myself by Kat Aisling

It’s like a dam and the walls have been duct-taped together for so many years. It was taking so much energy to pretend the dam was supposed to be there, that it was keeping me safe, when really it was just keeping this essential life force away from a thirsty soul. 

Like everything below the dam was dry and empty. And when some of the tape would fall away, the ground would drink it up as nourishment and have an immediate need for more and more and more. And then I would duct-tape it up again, believing it was wrong to let the life force down into that area, when that was its true path.

Because the dam wasn’t built by God. The dam was built by man and all their preconceived notions. And keeping that dam there only keeps God's purpose for my life out. It denies the very path God has for my life force.  

And one by one, I have been allowing the duct-tape to fall and the water to flow, but now it is flooding everything, because where it had been dry for decades, it hasn’t been used to receiving water and it is overwhelming.

And the dam is breaking, more and more holes are emerging and rushing the lifeforce into its designed path. And there is so much there. It has been stagnant for so long, it almost jumps at the freedom of movement again.

But there is no holding back the life force anymore.

But there is no holding back the life force anymore.

The scariest part is that the dam has always been there, or at least for as long as I can remember. Thinking of it gone is very frightening. How will the lifeforce be contained? What will happen? The future is so uncertain. 

But there is no holding back the life force anymore. To deny the natural path of the water, knowing its true purpose, is wrong. The energy to try to contain the element would be death itself, there would be no survivors. Everything would break and it would be futile.

No, the path has been forged. And as overwhelming as it is right now, I know there is no going back. My soul cannot take anymore dry spells. It will perish. It needs the lifeforce to live. So, as frightening it is to let the dam break, it is what God planned and is an inevitability. And not only something that needs to happen, but something that will create beauty and unknown wonders from something that had been stagnant and dormant for too long.

Because below in the dry depths of my soul lies fertile ground for love.