Read MoreAt the end of those excruciating months, those fingers that were so tightly clenched, clutched, wrapped around the intricate threads of my then life began to loosen and let go of fear as I was birthed into a beautiful unimagined new life.
Many of us couldn’t care less if a friend, a family member or our kids were gay. WE were the only people who could NOT be gay. That is internalized homophobia in a nutshell.
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Read MoreAt the end of those excruciating months, those fingers that were so tightly clenched, clutched, wrapped around the intricate threads of my then life began to loosen and let go of fear as I was birthed into a beautiful unimagined new life.
In the sacred space of this library my emotions suddenly became heightened with very sweet memories of my mom. I am not used to sharp focused pleasant memories; the lens is usually colored by so many other thoughts. She was one smart cookie and probably would have flourished in an academic life, not raising five children.
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I know the divorce would be difficult and coming out would be challenging, but I did not see the full force of the grief tsunami coming and it hit me holistically.
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I hope Jason will realize someday that this vulnerable piece of him, that he hides so relentlessly from the world, is really one of the most beautiful things about him. My coming out helped me to see this about my beautiful son, his vulnerability, because in the past I only saw his bravado, which was like oil to my water.
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When I joined this group I found that the thread of our stories were so very similar and it brought comfort to me. Women are often bound to the patriarchy and misogyny that exists in our world. I found that there is a type of woman who stays in the closet far longer then most and, of course, there are always exceptions.
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I would like to confirm that my suspicions were correct and I am undoubtedly queer. Life plans never seem to work out, do they? Often whatever exists in its place, it is something better then we ever dreamed or imagined.
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If you tell a friend your gay (or soon to be friend) and they say to you, “Congratulations! I am so excited and happy for you! I am proud of you for coming out!” Then this person has given you a “full-embrace.” They are most likely will be safe and supportive of your journey.
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THEN when I hit fifty I totally disappeared. I am not sure when I became invisible, I didn’t want to be invisible. it just happened. No glances my way, no smiles and often times I would notice the “look right through me” stare from men.
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Saying to myself, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t be gay, I can’t be gay, I can’t change my life, I have a husband, children, career, I can’t be gay.” In this beautiful place of worship, God asked me to finally acknowledge who I was created to be, perfectly in God’s image. I could not because it was too complicated, too hard, too painful, too jarring. In reality, it was fear, cold hard naked fear, that had left me paralyzed in a heterosexual normative that I did not fit.
In a nanosecond, the answer popped into my head. “I think I am gay.” I will forever remember the time between when the thought became the spoken as I stared off into space. I thought about the previous ten years when I had made various attempts to come out.
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